Borderline

An Open to Heidi Montag from Joan Rivers

Dear Heidi,

Darling you look fantastic
Coming from the Queen of Plastic Surgery herself
I was the guinea pig behind your success
I’ve had everything go wrong
And that isn’t including Melissa

Had so much done
Can’t even imagine what my old face looks like
Don’t even know even know if my body
Could pass off as flesh or as a double in a wax museum

Think of it, you starting off with collagen this earlier
You have made the blue print for all those
Future fame whores and star fuckers to follow

Honey, don’t regret your decision
I’ve aged gracefully in pictures
Just not motion pictures
But who’s counting on you appearing in them anyways

Even if there is a Spiedi sex tape
Please, keep us guessing
Are we going to see you
Play part of Skipper or Malibu Barbie?

It’s too bad finding out what happened to your plastic surgeon
The man had the ability to change lives
He was a miracle worker
You walked in as a Playboy Playmate and walked out a Penthouse Pet
I hope he didn’t drive off that cliff
Because of the monster he created
Or from you texting him for your next appointment

That Ryan Secrest is right, your knockers aren’t big enough
You need them to double up as air bags
To have queens like him pay attention

They said The Hills weren’t big enough for you and Lauren Conrad
But with that bore Audrina stealing your spotlight
What’s left?
Isn’t the world cold and lonely place?

You are left with plenty of time with your looks
Strung out on painkillers
Those distant thoughts of trying to go back to the old you
Are just a mirage
I feel for you but a good nose job is a lot cheaper than therapy

And Spencer Pratt?
Don’t talk to me about Spencer Pratt?
How can you go back to a boy that is more fabulous than you
It ruins everything that you’ve worked for
He is an enabler and the shit underneath your Manolo Blahnik’s

Tell me why is he caring a gun?
Has he really become that paranoid?
Is he suicidal?
Doll, I might be the only grief counselor that could relate

Honey, even though you might feel like a shell of girl
That once was once naive and adorable

I’m going to leave you with this thought
When gals like us die we won’t be wasting our bodies to science
But they can melt up all our excess plastic
And they can turn into toys for all the needy children of the world
That Brad and Angelina didn’t have the time adopt
Imagine some poor child finding joy in our rhinoplasty

Love and Kisses,

Joan Rivers